How not to potty train your children

Posted Wednesday 28th November 2012   By Ericka Waller

So primary school children (in Wales) have been told they cannot use the toilet unless they ask in Welsh. How awful. I am so relieved I don’t live in Wales.

I live in a weak-bladdered family. It’s my mother-in-law’s fault for having a 11lb baby (the husband), which is apparently the reason I had three 9lb babies.

My pelvic floor is more like a perforated sieve.

When I need to wee, I need to wee. Pronto. I will never be able to wear a leotard again.

I seem to have passed this urgent sense of panic onto my Things. We announce the need to urinate as one might announce the news a bull is charging at them.

Because of this, I worked very hard to be casual about near-misses and piddly-pants. I did not want the Things to get too hung up on it. I hated the thought of them feeling bad about themselves because they had a welly-full-of-wee.

“There is no shame in wetting yourself” I told them. “Remember when I did it on your trampoline after you forced me to do the Pike?”

Seems I have created monsters. Monsters that go “MUM, MUM, MUMMY!! I NEED TO WEE, I MUST WEE, I MUST, I  MUST, HELP IT’S COMING!!!” really loudly, and then a small trickling noise can be heard and then “WHOOPS, I wet myself. Oh well. It does not matter, does it mummy? You do it, don’t you mummy?”

Yeah, funny. Imagine them trying to learn all that in Welsh however. If the name of that train station is any indication of the length and complexity of the Welsh language, they would not even get past the “excuse me miss” before the floor got flooded.

“Esgusodwch fi os gwelwch yn dda golli, os gwelwch yn dda efallai y byddaf yn mynd i’r tŷ bach?

More information on what does not work in potty-training.

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