If you don't have an orgasm in labour, you must be doing it wrong

Posted Monday 10th June 2013   By Ericka Waller

So Britain’s best know midwife, Caroline Flint, has been in the Guardian this week raving about her natural birth: ‘I felt brilliant. I was in utter ecstasy.’

Just to remind us:

. Definition: Bliss. Synonyms: delight, euphoria, heaven, paradise, seventh-heaven, etc

Labour Definition: work, undertaking. Synonyms: drudgery, gruntwork, struggle, sweat, toil, etc

Maybe I did not reach an ecstatic peak because I was doing it wrong.
Flint says: “women in labour need darkness, privacy, comfort and to zone into the sexual side of birth, to move and groan and moo while their partner gently stimulates their nipples and clitoris to get the oxytocin flowing.”

Come again? (excuse the pun).

In my labour I got told to “strain like you need a big poo” – how could anyone have an orgasm whilst straining to do a big poo, or even a little poo? Why would anyone want to try and give someone an orgasm whilst they were doing a big, or little poo?

Luckily for him, my husband never managed to stay awake long enough through my labours to try twiddling my dials as I ‘mooed’ and ‘groaned’ (or in my case swore and bit anyone who came near me).

Quite frankly I’d prefer to eat my own placenta than have someone (fail to) arouse me in labour. The only part of birth I salivated over was when the midwives bought me tea and toast afterwards.

Don’t get me wrong. I had a ‘natural labour’ (one time out of three).  It was a defining moment for me. I now think “I gave birth to a 9lb baby without so much as a sip of water. I can get through this mountain of washing/hideous school singing concert/shopping trip to ASDA”.

I did it using deep breathing, a tens machine, a birth ball and my i-pod. It got me through, but it most certainly did NOT get me off. Apparently at one point the midwife asked my husband what I was listening to

“Is it whale music?”
He leaned in closer (cautiously) and said “No, it’s ACDC.”

If Flint had her way I’d have been birthing in a cave.

Her views on hospital births; ”A brutal entry into the world,” she writes, “where the baby is pulled out of his mother’s body, accompanied by loud voices and bright lights, and then rubbed with a rough towel, teaches this oh-so-sensitive baby that the world is a tough place where he may not always be welcome.”

Was she there in my labours? No. Did that happen? No (like I, the Queen of fabric softener, would ever let a rough-towel near my baby!).

Many parents believe that a hospital is the safest place to give birth, a place ready equipped, if god forbid, anything go wrong. Who has the right to judge someone on that? Or suggest that it makes babies feel unwelcome?

The article explains “She (Flint) delivered nine of her 12 grandchildren because “my life experience is that things very, very, very, very, very, very, very rarely go wrong.”

In the last year, after spending the whole of their pregnancy going to yoga, practicing breathing techniques, buying  hideously expensive birth pools and plastic sheeting, three of my friends ended up blowing out their patchouli candles and hot-footing it to hospital for an emergency c-section.

Did you have an orgasm in labour?

Want more? Find out what contractions feel like.

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