Dear Princess Kate...

Posted Monday 29th July 2013   By Ericka Waller

Hi Kate, How is the first week of being a mother treating you? Has the health visitor been round yet? I remember worrying about whether to tidy up or not. What looks worse, a baby in a dirty house, or a mother who cares more about a clean house than she does about spending time with her new baby?

Maybe the Queen ran the hoover round for you and washed up the mugs. I hope she did not bring all her Corgis with her. That’s the last thing you want at this time.

My health visitor had not been in the house for  more than ten seconds before she asked me to drop my knickers so she could check on my stitches. SO awkward. I’d not even had time to make her a cup of tea. Worse still, she now has children at the same school as mine. Talk about embarrassing.

She also weighed my baby. What a palaver! By the time I’d managed to get Thing-One’s clothes off and place her on the (cold) scales she was crying and peeing and desperate for a feed (a bit like yourself no doubt! I bet the Queen makes a mean Victoria sponge cake. I hope so anyway, otherwise it should be called something else.)

Don’t worry if the baby has lost a bit of weight. All very normal in early days. And please don’t worry if you have not lost any weight yourself yet.

Whatever you do DO NOT try and fit into any pre-pregnancy clothes too soon. I remember trying to get some non-maternity jim-jams a week after Thing-One was born. They did not even get past my knees! This surprised me as according to my friends and family I had not put weight on anywhere other than my bump. I called them up all up and told them they were liars. It was something to do in the many hours I sat glued to the sofa with a baby glued to my sore breasts.

I hope the family are being helpful. Has the baby been sick down the back of the Queen’s dress yet? That’s one for the family album. Does she change nappies or is she one of those who says “I think they have done a packet” and then hastily hands him back?

Are you still using cotton wool and water on George’s bottom? Love the name. My daughter loves it too as that is the name of the  Giant in her favourite book. Is that where you got the name from? She plans to marry him. (Your son that is, not the Smartest Giant In Town.)

Has Wills got two weeks’ paternity leave? My husband used his paternity leave to build a summer house at the far end of the garden. Men!

Are you suffering from the baby blues? I remember crying for six hours solid after watching an advert about a donkey sanctuary. I don’t even like donkeys. One bit me once when I was a child.

Has Pippa visited? I don’t think I could bear to see her perfect bottom so soon after giving birth when my bottom resembled a bag of fighting badgers. That blue dress you wore coming home from hospital looked smashing by the way. Is it Primark?

Anyway, I must crack on. Thinking of you. Love to my son-in-law. x