Why did I buy an aubergine?

Posted Tuesday 20th January 2015   By Ericka Waller

So every mum I know is on a diet. Seems we all hit the Quality Street hard over Christmas. I get together with my pals over low fat hummus and celery to discuss how many Weight Watchers points it would cost us to eat a Cadbury Creme egg. I am not on the Weight Watchers diet. I am simply trying to cut back on sugar and dairy. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and a cake addiction. They do not make good bedfellows.

Inspired by my vegan friend, I spent far too much money on an Ocado shop. I did not realise how mad I had gone till it all arrived. Apples, carrots, pears, plums, peaches, cherries, raspberries, strawberries, bananas, leeks, celery, peppers, onions, sweet potatoes and an aubergine.

What was I thinking. How the hell was I going to get through it before it rotted? As the master Eddie Izzard once remarkedPears are glorious little creatures, but they are ripe for half an hour, and you are never there when it happens.’  I’d gone fresh fruit and veg mad, and the kids only ate grapes, the one fruit I’d forgotten.

I scoffed the raspberries as I pondered over what to do, then decided to make my famous ‘Quorn surprise’. I started building a tower of haphazardly chopped carrots, celery, leeks, onions, garlic and peppers. By the end my arms ached. I realised as I threw in stock, tomato puree, mince, chopped tomatoes, baked beans and bay leaves, that there was zero chance of my children eating it… and then I saw the aubergine. It sat looking at me smugly as if to say, “very impressive, now what are you going to do with me?”

I squeezed it. It squeaked indignantly. Of course it was ripe and ready, I’d bought the poxy thing from Ocado, it came in its own little aerated bag. Oh why did I buy an aubergine?

I phoned my dad for a fruitless conversion.

Him: “Don’t worry, an idea will soon turnip”
Me: “But I’m thinking so hard my brain is leeking”
Him: “Lettuce have a moment of silence till we come up with something”
Me“Yes, we can get to the root of the problem!”
Him: “It is a cornfusing one”
Me“Come on, we can beet this together”
Him: “You don’t want anyone to arti-choke on it”
Me: “That was not be at all peas-ful.”

As predicted the kids snubbed my dinner. I ate most of the fruit well before it was ready and spent the weekend with a dicky tummy. The aubergine is still mocking me. I’m sticking to grapes and cucumber from now on.

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