10 incidents that prove I have a naughty child

Posted Tuesday 10th March 2015   By Ericka Waller

Having three children in three and a half years was always going to mean that some standards had to drop. Those of you who have three children will understand this. If there were a way to work out the average percentage of manners, obedience and house-training skills my children possess as a collective, it would be quite high (especially if calculated when they were at school, or with anyone other than me), but would be made up entirely by my two elder children, because my third one is rather ‘naughty’.

I am not making excuses for my poor parenting. I’ve always been open about my ‘suck-at-it-and-see’ approach. She really has got a naughty streak. Examples of this in the last week alone include:

1: Collecting up her and her sisters’ ‘fish bites’ and dropping them into the jug of orange juice (thank god they were not homemade)
2: Removing all her clothes and pooing up the garden with the dog, then trying to scratch mud and grass over it like the dog does after
3: Flushing two toilet rolls down the toilet. While I attempted to rook them out, she went to the fridge and ate a six-pack of petit filous organic coconut milk yoghurts
4: Necking her night milk, then snatching her sisters’ and running off drinking it while they cried
5: Rolling up the ‘time-out’ rug and throwing it out the back door, before stealing KitKats
6: Scooping all the bathwater out onto the floor with a small yellow teapot, then putting the towels into the tub
7: Drawing me pictures with my lip balm
8: Weeing in the dog’s water bowl
9: Pushing banana skins down the heating vent in the floor
10: Stealing all the toy dogs from pre-school, by hiding them in her knickers

What do you do with a child like this? I went on a ten week Positive Parenting course and completed it more positive than ever that she has the devil in her. It’s not enough that she sleeps in my bed, I have to hold her hand too, and look for the tiny toys she brings with when she can’t find them at 2am (they are normally poking me up the bum). When she kisses me, she slips in the tongue.

I used to think my middle child was hard work. What a spanner I was. Compared to Thing-three she was a permanent poppet. It doesn’t help that she is huge. When she runs to me for a hug she almost knocks me over. She is always in the red book for headbutting.

But she is my last baby, and anyone who knows they won’t be having any more children will understand why that means she will get away with murder.

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